Anybody who knows me very well, knows that I love God. He is a constant companion of mine and I look to Him for everything in my life. If you keep up with my blog at all, you will know that I have had some hard blows in the past couple of months with the loss of my puppy, Wilson, and then loosing another dog, Jerico. The whole time this was happening, I kept thanking God that he wasn't teaching me whatever lesson he was teaching me by the loss of a child or my husband, but just with dogs...although this was painful.
Last Monday, my mother went through a very extensive surgery that very well could have ended her life or left her paralyzed. As I was praying for her, I was begging God to keep her here, this was not a loss I was ready for. Somehow, tragedies for me seem to come in sets of threes and I was praying that she wasn't the third. I left the hospital on Tuesday and came home to spend the night. On Wednesday I took my baby goats to the vet because I wanted to get them de-budded, a process that keeps their horns from ever growing. I noticed that one of the babies was very tired and not wanting to nurse. So, our vet visit turned into an exam and antibiotic shots instead of doing anything that would stress them any further. The little one that was sick just continued to sleep and didn't show any signs of wanting to nurse. Late on Wednesday evening, I went to check on him and he was shivering and looked very weak. I scooped him up and brought him in the house, hoping to warm him and possibly get him strong enough to recover. I wrapped him in a blanket (one of Wilson's old blankets) and just held him close to me trying to warm him. Within about 5 minutes he was breathing funny and it was clear that he was dying. I had already been talking to God and asking him to please spare this precious little life but I would understand if he needed to take him. I held him as he took his last breath and then just wept. Then, I started to question God, WHY, why does this keep happening? Am I being punished? Did I do something wrong? Do you want me to feel pain for some reason? Do you still care about me at all?
I am going to make a point, I promise. So, then I had to do something with the baby. It was raining outside, Rodney had my car at the shop and he wasn't answering his phone. I couldn't leave the poor thing in the rain, and I didn't want to have to bury him myself...I needed my husband. He would know what to do. So...I got my umbrella and put on my rubber boots and, baby goat, blanket and all, walked down to the shop in the rain. This was a very reflective, prayerful walk. Mom was in the hospital in agony, Dad was worried out of his mind which worried me, I was exhausted physically, mentally and now, emotionally. So there I was, walking in the rain carrying the limp little body of a week old baby goat. When I got to the shop and Rodney saw me, he hung his head in despair and came to comfort me. He took the baby from me and told me that it would be ok. I got in my car to head home and was still asking God if I was being punished. In the car headed home, tears still welling up and a heavy tired heart, I was asking God to forgive me for whatever it is that is causing this streak of loss in my life. Suddenly, the light outside began to change. From behind me the sun was peaking out from the gray clouds and it was enveloping me like a hug from God himself.
I couldn't even believe that it was happening. I turned and saw the sky behind me and couldn't even catch my breath.
Then when I turned down my driveway, I saw this. The tears just fell like the rain outside and I could almost hear the words as God said, "oh honey, don't you know how much I love you? Don't you know that I would do anything for you?"
God was speaking to my heart and saying "You are loved, dear one. I will never take anything from you unless I am prepared to give you something better. Baby goats just die, puppies get sick and nothing man can do can save them, but YOU dear child are precious and loved."
I turned back and looked at the sky and could feel God around me like never before. It was so intense that I seriously could NOT catch my breath. Now, I hope that somebody else got to see that sky and the rainbow that appeared that evening, but I will forever be convinced that God was speaking to me and comforting me through his mighty power and that he was being kind to my tender heart. He knows me like no other and He knew that a rainbow was just what I needed.