Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Fanned Embers

A fire has been rekindled in this soul. The past few months have been tough and I really can't blame it on anything in particular, not the weather or my losses or my family or any such has just been tough. I could feel my spirit of heaviness oozing out on everything and everybody in my path and I was really beginning to dislike myself for being such a big fat bummer. When I went to get my hair cut yesterday, even Sherri who I have always considered a trusted counselor said "your spirit feels sad". So, I pasted on a smile and tried to put out an air of love and joy, I don't think it worked. She even reminded me that this was the year of the Ox, which I had completely put out of my mind. Gosh, was this what was wrong? Were all my misfortunes due to the Chinese calender? Was I doomed to live the next 8 months of my life in misery? At first I decided that I would just succumb to it and be miserable but I felt a fire start to grow in my spirit and a voice saying "take control".

Well, lemme tell you what happened to me last night. Kyle has been taking this Martial Arts class for the past couple of months. We started this whole thing for disciplines sake. He missed a few weeks because he was cheering non-stop during the basketball tournaments and now that ball is over, we are pursuing Martial Arts a little deeper.

Last night when I went to pick him up, there was a test going on for one of the students and this is when it happened. When I walked in the room it was filled with an energy I can't quite describe. I stood in complete silence as this young boy was going through, what looked to be, a very strenuous test of strength, not only of body, but mind and spirit. While I was watching this, I could feel the fire inside me growing. I had a mental image of myself being beaten down, of literally laying on the mat with my enemy standing on my head and neck, and I lying there in defeat, just accepting my fate and letting myself be beaten. The teacher, Doug, came over to talk to me and I can't even remember his exact words but it had something to do with self-improvement, not being defeated, being strong, yet being humble. So this whirlwind was going on inside me. I was looking in the face of a 60 year old man that had this incredible energy, enough that I felt like it pierced my soul, I was watching a young boy being tested like I had never witnessed and my soul began to feel an intense fuel to stand up and fight. I had a decision to make, am I going to lay here in defeat or am I going to take back my life? I was feeling like a child hiding under the covers, afraid of nothing, yet fear was the driving force in my life. Remember in the movie "Home Alone" when Kevin finally decides to get out from under the bed and claim his house, he steps outside and proclaims "I'm not afraid anymore, do you hear me, I'm not afraid anymore." As silly as it sounds, I kept saying this to myself.

I was even afraid that when I awoke this morning that the fire would be gone, wasn't. One of the many things I've been afraid of is to take my hike in the mornings. I love my hike, I've been around that loop so many times it is like an old friend and I had neglected it so but, I'm here to tell you, this morning, I took it back. I put one foot in front of the other and I conquered it like a woman on a mission. I'm not afraid anymore. This woman has stood up to her enemy, and is now standing on his head and neck and proclaiming that this is MY life and I'm taking it back!! There is no question that God positioned me to be in that classroom last night and there is no question that he used these images of strength to encourage me. I don't doubt for a second that he used Doug's words to inspire me to be strong. He said to me that our only competitor is our self and that is who we must measure ourselves against. The only person that can change my circumstances is me and I am ready for the fight now.

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