Thursday, July 29, 2010

Fare Thee Well

It is hard for me to believe that I had to say goodbye to Eddie today. Oh how I loved that silly old dog.

For the past year and a half, he has been a constant companion. It was even hard for me to explain to him that he couldn't come with me to buy groceries and that dogs weren't allowed at church. I do not take for granted that my occupation allows me to have critters with me wherever I go, and Eddie was the sweetest one of all. The hard thing about this is that I've gotten so used to having him as a comfort when life gets tough. This is the toughest thing I've ever had to do and my heart is confused about what to do.

The very hard decision was made this afternoon when things became clear that he wasn't going make the turn for the better. Rodney drove me to the vets office this afternoon after office hours so we could be alone with Eddie. When they brought Eddie in to see us, we both started to weep as he licked our faces and wagged his whole body. He went to the door and was ready to go home. This was the hardest thing of all. For a moment I even thought about just taking him home and letting him live as long as he could. I didn't want to let go. It was clear that he was diminishing quickly and I couldn't put him through the pain of dying a drawn-out death. When the time came, I gathered him up in my lap and he snuggled against me so sweetly. I hugged him tightly against me and whispered "I love you" in his ear. I buried my face in his neck and could feel his heart beating against my hand. Slowly he drifted off and his heart stopped beating as I clutched his chest and wondered if my heart had stopped beating too. The room was silent and peaceful. I wept into his soft fur and ran my hand under that chin that I loved so much, all those soft wrinkles that always made me smile. He was so beautiful.

We had a small gathering at the oak tree in the pasture behind my house.

This tree.

Kyle suggested this location for Eddie's burial. Mom and Dad came with Natalie and Clara. Rodney and I and Sophie and Charlotte were all there to pay our respects. Kyle was at a school function and Taylor opted to stay home, her poor heart was too broken and she wanted to remember him the way he was. As we gathered around his grave I thought of these words from the movie "Out of Africa".

Now take back the soul of Eddie
Whom you have shared with us
He brought us joy
and we loved him well
He was not ours
He was not mine.
I've grieved so much over the past week. When I found out the news that we were dealing with the same thing that happened to Wilson, my heart was shattered and I couldn't believe it was happening again. I remember the pain of loosing Wilson and feeling like I would hurt forever and then along came Eddie with his sunny disposition and life went on. People will probably think I'm crazy but I've made a decision. Caesar Milan once said that we must grieve the loss of our pets but then we must move on. I've been so grief stricken for these past days, I've been almost sick. There is a boxer puppy in Grannis that needs a home and I need to begin to heal. It might be better to wait, but wait for what? So, tomorrow I will begin to move on with a new puppy.

I will never forget Eddie. A new puppy won't replace what I've lost. One thing about Eddie is that he was always so darn happy and made everybody around him happy. He would hate for me to be sad. If he could, he'd probably deliver the puppy himself, place her in my arms and wish us a million giggles and chin tickles and skip merrily off into the sunset.

This is how I will see him now. Skipping about in heaven and splashing in the ponds where the water is clean. Where he can chase dragonflies all day and sleep in the sunshine.

Today, as I was texting my cousin, Ron, about the pain we were both sharing he said to me, "Eddie is with God". I said "God is lucky". He said, "He sure is, Eddie will make Him laugh a lot".

Rest well my beautiful darling Eddie. I will never forget you.


TLDR1440 said...

thank you so much, Jenni, for all your beautiful writing, and your struggle. i hadn't read your blog since your joyous post about Rodney, so i missed Eddie's journey back home. until now. i'll be showing your video to the kids tonight --- it tore me up here at work.

we love you,

Ozark Mountain Woman said...

I love the vision of Eddie bringing you a new puppy to love.

The Heartbeats said...

I came to your blog via Lucy's Human and your post is gut wrenching. I am Momma to 2 Boxers and a German Shepherd. My new husband recently asked what I did for my spirituality (besides church). I explained to him that I have a unique relationship with God through my relationship with my animals. It's not a relationship that can truly be explained but has to be experienced. When we train, cuddle, work, when I hear them breathe, when I see them "smile". I love your blog because you get it.