Eddie is back at the vet today. I really can't even believe any of this is happening. Last night was rough on Eddie and on us. He began straining again to go potty with very little results, staying in a cramped, painful position for long periods of time. At one point last night while he was sleeping soundly next to me, I feared he had passed away because he was so lifeless.
Doctor Martin asked me to bring him back this morning. It was a long drive with much contemplation about what is going to be the best thing for Eddie, because it isn't this. Up until this point, the tears have been minimal even though my heart is in pieces. I knew at some point the flood gates would open and the hurt would become too much for me to contain inwardly. Luckily for me, my flood gates opened in the parking lot of the vets office with curious onlookers.
I was relieved when they finally sent Eddie and I to a room. The whole display of emotion was, no doubt, embarrassing for poor Eddie too. When Doc came in we had a heart-to-heart talk about our next steps. He was in agreement that this didn't need to continue much longer. Eddie is miserable and to see that joyful happy baby in misery is more than my heart can bear. He asked me to leave him there for a couple of days to see if he might just turn the corner for the better. I very much trust his judgement and agreed to allow this. One thing I've learned in my years as a dog lover is that they live in the moment. They don't know that this is going to get better, they only know that they are in pain and in misery right now. For me to prolong this state for him would be selfish and unkind. I love him too much to be selfish now.
I will pray for him these next couple of days and then we'll see. I just hope that the decision will be clear. I pray that he will either show vast improvements or that he will let me know, without doubt, that I'm going to have to let go of him. Wow, I sure don't want to let go. My best friend, Jill, grabbed me and hugged me after sharing the news with her and said, "it's just not fair!" That is exactly how I feel...this is in no way fair. One twinkle of light is that we know what the cause is now. If Eddie should loose his life, it will not have been in vain for I will be an advocate and a voice to educate others about this disease. If just one dog is saved, if one human heart can avoid this pain it will have been worth the loss of one life. One amazing, precious, beautiful life.